Left and Right

 Ahem.

I have a confession.

I have never been able to tell my left and right apart.

"Gasp!" you may say. That is fine, I do not mind. Gasp all you want, I believe in freedom, but gasping will do nothing to change or fix the truth, so I suggest that you use your time and energy for a more constructive and helpful purpose.

Now, if you are like the vast majority of the people that I have told about my problem you will now look wise and condescending and will suggest that I hold up my hands with the thumb sticking out and the pointer finger pointing up and see which one looks like a letter "L". "And that one is the left hand" you say, smiling.  This does not work. In my brain there happens to be some strange quirk, and this quirk makes it so that I can read backwards as well as forwards, so to me they are BOTH letter Ls. Sorry to not use your wise suggestion, but it is simply unsuited for what a unique individual I am.

I have gotten in trouble many times because of my problem, particularly in drivers ed, where I learned that they consider this information very important. My time in drivers ed was riddled with such quotes as: "Your OTHER Left, Bleep you!!!" and "Somebody your age should really not come here to waste our time unless you know your left and right." and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! You bleeping bleep of a bleep!" when I turned into oncoming traffic.

I finally started putting a bracelet on my left arm, so when they said "Turn Left" I could look down, turn toward the arm with the bracelet, and seem smart. This fooled them for a while.

Then came the day of my one great triumph! I had forgotten to put on my bracelet that morning, and I was worried as we hopped into the car. Scarcely had I started driving, when there came the dread command "Turn right!" Taking my best guess, I swung the car in that direction. 

"I said turn right!" Exploded my drivers ed teacher. I said nothing, being not at all sure what direction I had turned. He continued ranting for a few seconds, then stopped abruptly. I glanced over at him, wondering what had stopped the tirade. He was sitting in deep thought, then he said slowly "Girl, that WAS right. You DID turn right. I was wrong."

Haha! I had been right! I had humbled the teacher, and redeemed myself. A good days work, if you ask me.

Now I always wear a bracelet on my left arm,  a very useful tool

Phenomenal Things

Throughout my life, though I admit it is short and insignificant, I have observed many unique and phenomenal things.  Some of these things, though I say so myself, have probably been seen by nobody else. Let me give you a list:

Phenomenal thing #1:
One of my little brothers happens to not appreciate pain a whole lot, so when he experiences the unwelcome sensation he makes it known to the world in no uncertain terms.
One time he fell and banged his nose. After he had wailed and gnashed his teeth for a period of time he arose, and, I kid you not, he LIMPED with his NOSE! Do not ask how it is possible, but I say to you that it was something that I am glad to have seen in my life, providing me with the new and refreshing feeling of sharp sympathy mixed with excessive mirth. Limping with his nose. A phenomenal thing indeed!


Phenomenal thing # 2.
Once Ace was sitting on the couch. Me and my little sister were sitting beside him. He happened to be showing us his six pack, when my little sister suddenly said "Ace! your belly button blinked at me!" I had seen it too! His belly button had blinked. Few have seen such a rare occurrence.


Phenomenal thing # 3:
Once somebody thought that I had done something wrong. Ha! The fact that somebody could be so entirely disillusioned ranks as a phenomenal thing in my book. Something wrong, Ha ha!

Now that I think about it, none of those things are incredibly phenomenal. Darn, and there are only three. So I will need to look harder.

Talent # 2

Ah-ha! I have a new talent that I have discovered, and this one is also so unique and special that I feel vain to be recounting it to you. 

I had just washed off our table so nice and shiny, when suddenly I spied a big fat house fly sitting in the center of the newly washed surface with a malicious grin on his face. He was happy to be sitting there spreading filth and corruption! How rude! I was filled with wrath, and I looked down at my hands and saw the wet dish cloth that I had just used to wash the table. Having no other weapon handy, I twisted the dish rag into a whip.

Taking into consideration the atmospheric conditions, the density of the air, gravity, the new slight shift in the earth's tilt given the earthquake in Japan, and the force of trajectory, I snapped the dishrag at the fly.

Time slowed as the tip of the rag sped toward the fly.  The fly took off flying, but I had also taken that into consideration, so the end of the rag snapped the fly with stunning force. I watched with awe as the fly flew and slammed into the wall, bringing down a small shower of plaster on top of it.

I leapt forward and stared at the fly. He didn't even twitch. The Lord had called him home.

 Then the next day, after I had washed the counter top, the same thing happened! A fly alighted on the clean and shiny surface, openly sneering at me.

This time, feeling the workings of fate, I didn't even try to plan. I just snapped the dishrag. It worked again. This time the fly hit the wall even harder, and it actually splatted on the wall! I averted my eyes from the bloody mess, feeling a little bad for the fly. But it had brought it upon its self. But I was still in awe at myself.

So after both of those experiences, I have arrived at the conclusion that I have a talent, let others call it what they may.