Apology To All

So, as I am sure all of you trillions of faithful followers have noticed, I have been of late ignoring this wonderful little blog. I happen to be a single minded creature, who, when engaged in other activities, often forgets that I own such a nice little thing.  Whenever I remember, I am filled with pride over my wonderfulness, and vow to update it!  Sadly, the only time I remember is when I meet fans who tell me that I need to update it more.  And at those times I don't have my computer with me. So I remember for about twelve seconds, until something else claims my attention. But fear not, I may recommit, and keep you thrilled with accounts of my adventures! But on the other hand, I may not. You never know.

Left and Right

 Ahem.

I have a confession.

I have never been able to tell my left and right apart.

"Gasp!" you may say. That is fine, I do not mind. Gasp all you want, I believe in freedom, but gasping will do nothing to change or fix the truth, so I suggest that you use your time and energy for a more constructive and helpful purpose.

Now, if you are like the vast majority of the people that I have told about my problem you will now look wise and condescending and will suggest that I hold up my hands with the thumb sticking out and the pointer finger pointing up and see which one looks like a letter "L". "And that one is the left hand" you say, smiling.  This does not work. In my brain there happens to be some strange quirk, and this quirk makes it so that I can read backwards as well as forwards, so to me they are BOTH letter Ls. Sorry to not use your wise suggestion, but it is simply unsuited for what a unique individual I am.

I have gotten in trouble many times because of my problem, particularly in drivers ed, where I learned that they consider this information very important. My time in drivers ed was riddled with such quotes as: "Your OTHER Left, Bleep you!!!" and "Somebody your age should really not come here to waste our time unless you know your left and right." and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! You bleeping bleep of a bleep!" when I turned into oncoming traffic.

I finally started putting a bracelet on my left arm, so when they said "Turn Left" I could look down, turn toward the arm with the bracelet, and seem smart. This fooled them for a while.

Then came the day of my one great triumph! I had forgotten to put on my bracelet that morning, and I was worried as we hopped into the car. Scarcely had I started driving, when there came the dread command "Turn right!" Taking my best guess, I swung the car in that direction. 

"I said turn right!" Exploded my drivers ed teacher. I said nothing, being not at all sure what direction I had turned. He continued ranting for a few seconds, then stopped abruptly. I glanced over at him, wondering what had stopped the tirade. He was sitting in deep thought, then he said slowly "Girl, that WAS right. You DID turn right. I was wrong."

Haha! I had been right! I had humbled the teacher, and redeemed myself. A good days work, if you ask me.

Now I always wear a bracelet on my left arm,  a very useful tool

Phenomenal Things

Throughout my life, though I admit it is short and insignificant, I have observed many unique and phenomenal things.  Some of these things, though I say so myself, have probably been seen by nobody else. Let me give you a list:

Phenomenal thing #1:
One of my little brothers happens to not appreciate pain a whole lot, so when he experiences the unwelcome sensation he makes it known to the world in no uncertain terms.
One time he fell and banged his nose. After he had wailed and gnashed his teeth for a period of time he arose, and, I kid you not, he LIMPED with his NOSE! Do not ask how it is possible, but I say to you that it was something that I am glad to have seen in my life, providing me with the new and refreshing feeling of sharp sympathy mixed with excessive mirth. Limping with his nose. A phenomenal thing indeed!


Phenomenal thing # 2.
Once Ace was sitting on the couch. Me and my little sister were sitting beside him. He happened to be showing us his six pack, when my little sister suddenly said "Ace! your belly button blinked at me!" I had seen it too! His belly button had blinked. Few have seen such a rare occurrence.


Phenomenal thing # 3:
Once somebody thought that I had done something wrong. Ha! The fact that somebody could be so entirely disillusioned ranks as a phenomenal thing in my book. Something wrong, Ha ha!

Now that I think about it, none of those things are incredibly phenomenal. Darn, and there are only three. So I will need to look harder.

Talent # 2

Ah-ha! I have a new talent that I have discovered, and this one is also so unique and special that I feel vain to be recounting it to you. 

I had just washed off our table so nice and shiny, when suddenly I spied a big fat house fly sitting in the center of the newly washed surface with a malicious grin on his face. He was happy to be sitting there spreading filth and corruption! How rude! I was filled with wrath, and I looked down at my hands and saw the wet dish cloth that I had just used to wash the table. Having no other weapon handy, I twisted the dish rag into a whip.

Taking into consideration the atmospheric conditions, the density of the air, gravity, the new slight shift in the earth's tilt given the earthquake in Japan, and the force of trajectory, I snapped the dishrag at the fly.

Time slowed as the tip of the rag sped toward the fly.  The fly took off flying, but I had also taken that into consideration, so the end of the rag snapped the fly with stunning force. I watched with awe as the fly flew and slammed into the wall, bringing down a small shower of plaster on top of it.

I leapt forward and stared at the fly. He didn't even twitch. The Lord had called him home.

 Then the next day, after I had washed the counter top, the same thing happened! A fly alighted on the clean and shiny surface, openly sneering at me.

This time, feeling the workings of fate, I didn't even try to plan. I just snapped the dishrag. It worked again. This time the fly hit the wall even harder, and it actually splatted on the wall! I averted my eyes from the bloody mess, feeling a little bad for the fly. But it had brought it upon its self. But I was still in awe at myself.

So after both of those experiences, I have arrived at the conclusion that I have a talent, let others call it what they may.

Good Cooking!

So… (Drum roll, cheering, and many fireworks) I just cooked my first successful dish of food, a feat that took no small amount of work and patience.  Let me recount to you the events that surrounded this monumental occasion.

It was the fourth of July, and it was planned to have many friends and family over to celebrate with us.  On behalf of this mother set to work preparing many dishes of good food, eating being what Americans do to mark special occasions (and all other occasions for that matter.) 

I relaxed and sat back, unconcerned with the frenzied preparing of food that surrounded me, knowing that mom had long since given up on me helping cook things. So that was why I was so shocked when I heard the command come my way of “Go forth, and make a relish plate!” 

I looked around for whoever she was talking to, being convinced that she wouldn’t be talking to me because of all the tragic things that had happened when I tried cooking before. Observing no other people in the vicinity I realized that she was, indeed, addressing me. Realizing that she must be confused, I told her “Mom, this is Aliysa.” She said that she knew this, and once again commanded me to go make a relish plate.

In order to make a point, I raised my eyebrow. Mom didn’t look impressed, so I continued raising it higher and higher, but the effect was ruined because mom looked away just before it left the top of my head.

The only thing left to do was to throw a fit, but it didn’t seem to be the best thing to do in this situation because mom was already frazzled to a crisp (that’s what comes of cooking.)  So I set to work.

You may say, “in order to be cooking you must cook something.”  This my friends, is not the case. Cooking is anything that is involved with preparing food that is filled with stress, boredom, anger, and tears. So therefore, making a relish plate IS cooking.

Mom pointed to the vegetables that she had already put out on the counter, and issued instructions. “Open the cans of olives, put them in there, put the carrot sticks in there, wash the celery and put them there, wash, cut up, and peel the cucumbers and put them in there, and make the ranch dip with this sour cream and this ranch seasoning and put it in this bowl.”

I stared at her. “You want me to do all that?” I questioned weakly.

“Yes” she said. “And you only have three hours”

Three hours?!?! That was all the time I had to complete all of that? How would I accomplish it?

I stared distastefully at the vegetables.  The celery stared balefully back, but the cucumbers winked!!! It scared me. “Mom!” I cried “Those cucumbers winked at me, that means they have something evil planned!” Mom informed me that vegetables don’t wink, and that made me feel a bit better. But the question remains. How, if vegetables don’t wink, did the cucumbers wink?

I poured the carrots into the place on the relish plate where they went, that being the easiest thing to do on the list, and admired my handiwork. So far so good, but there was still many things to do.

The next thing I decided to do was to open the cans of olives, that being fairly easy. I grabbed our hand powered can opener, our electrical one having just died on us. I put it on the can and started turning the crank. It sounded like it was opening, but as I turned it and looked at the top I didn’t see it opening at all. How strange! I continued trying, but it didn’t open. I flew into a frenzy of cranking and cranked it around and around the top of the can, to no avail. I stopped, panting, and informed mom that I would have to give up this project, because it wouldn’t open. She smiled and showed me that it was one of those evil ones that open the cans on the side, not the top, so I had been trying to open it for five minutes and it had been open all the time. Blasted olives!  I rinsed them and put them in their place on the relish plate

I avoided the cucumbers, on account of the unexplained winking, and focused on the celery. I could tell that the celery didn’t like me, but I didn’t show fear, having heard that celery could sense fear. I washed it hurriedly in the sink,  then welded the knife and chopped into it.  It screamed, and I felt bad, but it was over quickly. I cut it up and put it in its place on the relish plate. I realized that is was very ugly celery, and in made the relish plate look worse, but I didn’t want to worry about it any more.

By this time I was thoroughly sick of cooking, so I tried running away. But mom caught me by my hair and brought me back. So I continued with the relish plate.

Next, I would do the dip. I grabbed the shaker of ranch seasoning to look at the directions. There were no directions! I flew into a panic and rushed over to mom, crying for help. She couldn’t find any either! Oh no!  Mom said just to put two cups of sour cream in a bowl and keep dumping seasoning in until it tasted right. Gingerly I put the sour cream into a bowl, and dumped in a miniscule amount of seasoning. I stirred it us and took it to mom to taste. She said there wasn’t near enough seasoning in it, so I threw caution to the winds and poured in a mountain of seasoning. Uneasily I wondered if it was okay to have equal parts seasoning and sour cream. After mixing I decided that that was not okay. I had to add much more sour cream. But eventually, once I had about three fourths of a gallon it tasted close enough to how it was supposed to, so I put it in a giant bowl. That was done.

Last, but definitely not least I had the feeling, were the cucumbers. Quickly I snatched one up, then washed it, and peeled in all in one motion and flung in onto the cutting board before it had time to do anything. I tried that same approach with the second one, but it had seen me do that to its friend and it bit me on the thumb. Then it tried to squirm down the drain! I snatched it before it was completely down and peeled it and put it on the cutting board. In the  meantime the one that I had already peeled had rolled away! I was filled with wrath, and seizing the knife, I went in pursuit. I leaped hither and thither thorough the kitchen, searching in any place a cucumber could hide. Mom looked at me in alarm. I told her what had happened, and she inquired how anybody could lose their cucumber while washing another. I ignored the snide comment and concentrated on finding the fugitive.  Finally I found out that it had eloped with my little brother, or so it seemed, because he was holding it behind his back snickering. I took it away from him and chopped it up before his eyes. He didn’t seem bothered though.

Finally, it was done! The relish plate was finished! My first successful cooking venture.  I got many compliments on it, such as “My, what ugly celery!” and “Who cut these cucumbers? they look awful.” I was very proud. Next time I may try cutting up some fruit, maybe it will be a sweeter experience.

Long Time No See

People, after a long and tortuous absence, I have returned! I may write some updates, and I may not, depending on if I have more important things to do. Not that this blog isn't important, just that I may have to build a spaceship with NASA, or give my opinion to the president on some new major law, or go be a hero and save someone, or go eat some ice cream. If I don't have to do any of those things, then I may do some updates sometime.

Life

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.


If life give you spoiled fruit, make wine.


If life does not give you anything, you will die.


If life gives you magnets, put them on a fridge.


If life gives you brains, then use them, dash it.


If life puts you in a situation where you can go push a button and make a person fall into a tub of water, push it.


If life gives you eggs, throw them at someone.